Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!
Category: Body / Anatomy / Health
Intimate Mother/Daugher Discussion
A mother and her daughter are walking along the beach one evening. The sun was setting and the cool breeze coming in off the ocean was absolutely wonderful.
The girl says, “Mom, my breasts have really begun growing. Do you think I should start wearing a larger bra?”
The Mom thinks for a moment and then says, “Sure, honey, we’ll go to the store tomorrow and buy my baby a beautiful peach colored lace bra that fits properly.”
A few minutes later the girl says, “Mom, I’m starting to grow a lot of hair down “there”. Do you think it would be OK to start trimming it a bit?”
Mom reflects on this question and responds, “Why sure, honey, we’ll buy some fine trimming scissors while at the store purchasing your new pretty lace bra.”
A little later the girl asks another question, “Tommy asked me to kiss him yesterday. I really like him. Do you think that would be ladylike for me to allow him just one tiny kiss?”
The Mother is getting nervous now, but finally replies, Darling, I believe that would perfectly OK, but you mustn’t allow him to do anything else. OK, my dear?”
“Sure Mom, I understand and I truly respect your judgement.” replies the daughter.
A few more minutes went by and the girl tenderly grabs her mother’s hand and looks her in the eyes, saying, “Mom, am I old enough to start douching?”
The Mother is now speechless, having given her daughter all this very open and candid advice. She thought for several minutes and spoke her final words of wisdom, “Sweetie, that’s too difficult a question for me to answer. Why don’t you ask one of those seagulls that’s been following you for hours!”
Morning Ritual
This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and trouble-shooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in “playful activities” with ten beautiful, dark, young women, who are all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the British Explorer had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was?
“He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir,” came the reply. “This is his morning ritual.”
“Ask him,” the awed Brit said to his companion, “how did his penis get to be this size?”
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.
“Well, what did he say?” asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
“He said, ‘There’s nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water?’
Nose Picking Glossary
THE KIDDIE PICK … When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK … When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH … When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT … You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.
SURPRISE PICKINGS … When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTOPICK … The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.
PICK YOUR BRAINS … Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE … When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.
PICK AND ROLL … No explanation needed.
PICK AND FLICK … Ditto.
PICK AND STICK … You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
PAYDIRT … The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
Penis Request
The penis request a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
-has to work hard;
-has to work at great depths;
-has to work upside down;
-has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
-has to work in a high humidity environment;
-does not get weekends and holidays off;
-does not get time off after extra hours of work;
-has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.
Request Denied
For the following reasons:
-does not work 8 hours in a row;
-does not answer immediately to all requests;
-does not have a degree;
-after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
-show no fidelity to the workplace;
-retires too early;
-does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
-does not leave the workplace clean, after finishing work.
Get a Picture of it
On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
“Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “MY picture?” He answers, “yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”. She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks, “Why?” She answers, “SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!”
Big Condom
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so one old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette, and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, “Hey, that’s a good idea. What is it that you put over your cigarette?”
The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.”
“A condom? Where do you get those?”
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said, “Yes,” but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”
The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel.”
Measurements
A young women was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar. “Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed”
“Well thank you ma’am. It’s 33 inches”
“Wow, around?”
“No, ma’am. Through.”
“Well, then, sir. What about your waist?”
“It’s 28 inches.”
“Around?”
“No, ma’am. Through.”
“Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your private, ahh, you know.”
“You see, ma’am. It’s 3 inches!”
“Wow,” said the woman. “Through?!”
“No, Ma’am. From the floor!”
Normal Sex Life
A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. “You’ll be fine,” he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. “What’s the matter Doctor? I will be alright, won’t I?”
He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”
Mildred
Poor Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.