Last Halloween, a young boy with his front teeth missing showed up for a Trick-or-Treat. I asked him what was he dressed up as. He says “I’m a birate.”
“You are a what?”
“A birate!”
“Oh, a PIRATE! Well, where are your buccaneers?”
The kid gives me a startled look and says “on my buckin’ head!”
The ingredents for Viagra:
1. 2% Tylenol
2. 3% Aspirin
3. 95% Fix a flat
Cotton or acrylic socks ——————- GOOD
Wool socks ——————————– BAD
Vegetable or food grade mineral oils —— GOOD
Petroleum distillates ——————— BAD
His sister’s silk underwear ————— GOOD
His mom’s leather push-up bra ————- BAD
Butter ———————————— GOOD
Shortening ———–(are you nuts?)—— BAD
Glycerine ——————————— GOOD
Nitro-Glycerine ————————— BAD
Baby Oil ———————————- GOOD
Baby diapers —————————— BAD
Peanut Oil ——————————- GOOD
Peanut Butter —————————- BAD
Lamb’s Wool —————————— GOOD
Steel Wool ——————————- BAD
Aloe Vera ——————————– GOOD
Alum ————————————- VERY GOOD
Castor oil ——————————- GOOD
Castrol GTX —————————— GOOD
Castro ———————————– VERY BAD
Silk ————————————- GOOD
Slik 50 ———————————- BAD
Hand ————————————- GOOD
Sand ————————————- BAD
Lubriderm ——————————– GOOD
Pachyderm ——————————– BAD
Coppertone ——————————- GOOD
Copper Sulfate ————————— BAD
Powdered Graphite ———————– GOOD
Graphite Fibers ————————– BAD
Teflon ———————————– GOOD
Epoxy ———————————— BAD
Olive Oil ——————————– GOOD
Olive Oyl ——————————– VERY BAD
The only thing the IRS hasn’t taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that …
40% of the time, it’s hanging around unemployed;
20% of the time it’s pissed off;
30% of the time it’s hard up; and,
10% of the time it’s in the hole.
On top of this, it has two dependants and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 2002, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form:
10 to 12 inches Luxury Tax —> $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax –> $30.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax –>$15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax –> $5.00
Please Note:
NO CHARGE FOR UNDER FOUR INCHES. EXTENSIONS NOT CURRENTLY AVAILABLE. OVER 12 INCHES MUST FILE CAPITAL GAINS.
There were two old fellows who were chatting. Suddenly one of them asked, “What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?”
The other, with a puzzled look, said, “I dunno”, and reached up pulling out the object, then exclaimed, “My word, a suppository!”
Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, “Now I know what I did with my hearing aid.”
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The first one says “Earthling take me to your leader!”
He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. “Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!”
Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and says “If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect I’m going to blast him!” The second Alien replies “O.K. but, I’m just going to stand down on the next block.” The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. “Earthling take me to your leader!”
No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy, He then says to the second Alien “If you knew that was going to happen why didn’t you warn me?”
The second replies, “I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I’m not going to mess with anyone who’s penis can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!”
A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, “Those hives are pretty close to the road.”
The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn’t stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.
The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. “Oh no,” the farmer thought, “he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!”
As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
“No, no, I’m okay I guess,” gasped the naked man. “I have no choice, do I? I’ll pay you double for the farm … but doesn’t that calf have a mother?”
This fellow wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class at medical school and practice a little.
Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! “… On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again …”
Our student really freaks out! He runs and gets the morgue attendant and drags the poor guy back to the table.
“Look!” he says, and pulls the cork out again, “… On the road again …”
The morgue attendant is totally unimpressed…”So what?” he says.
“Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?”, the guy asked.
“Are you kidding?” says the morgue attendant, “Any asshole can sing country music!”
When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame De Gaulle.
“Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”
“A penis,” replied Madame De Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer … and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, “Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!'”
1) Yo momma’s so fat that when she steps on the scales it says, “TO BE CONTINUED.”
2) Yo momma’s so fat that when she was sunbathing on the beach Greenpeace turned up and tried to push her back in the water.
3) Yo momma’s so fat that when she falls out of bed she rocks herself to sleep trying to get back up.
4) Yo momma’s so fat that when she wore an X T-shirt helicopters tried to land on her.
5) Yo momma’s so fat that when she steps on the scales it tells the other three people to get off!
6) Yo momma’s so fat that when your dad rolls over in bed to answer the phone he burns his arse on the lightbulb.
7) Yo momma’s so fat that the Titanic didn’t need an iceberg to sink it.