Category: Miscellaneous


Morning Sickness

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

“What’s wrong Tracey?” she asked.

Tracey told her that she had “morning sickness.” Surprised the neighbor said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant.”

“I’m not.” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just damn sick of mornings.”

Cinderella at Age 75

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother”.

The Fairy Godmother replied, “It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again”.

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, “You have one more wish, what shall you have?” Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man”.

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life.” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having my bollocks chopped off now, don’t you?”

Flight Crew Comments

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee … “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane …”

2. Pilot-“Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee … “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry … Unfortunately none of them are on this flight …!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13. Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought The aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

17. “Hello folks. This is Flight 607 to Fresno … … … Fresno? Who wants to go to Fresno?”

Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

2. Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh sh*t! My glass eye!”

6. Say, “Da*n, this water is cold.”

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”

9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa Easy boy!”

11. Say, “Interesting … more sinkers than floaters”

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?”

13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”

15. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressors Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”

Smokin’ Ladies

Two old ladies are standing outside smoking together when it begins to rain. One of the women pulls a condom out of her purse, snips off the tip, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second old lady is very impressed and asks where to get one.

“It’s a condom,” the first old lady replies. “You can buy a box at any drugstore.”

So the next day, the old woman goes to the drugstore and tells the clerk she wants to buy a box of condoms. The clerk eyes her strangely, but thought what the heck, every age group is allowed a little fun. He then proceeds to ask her what size she needs.

“Oh, I don’t know …” the old woman says. “As long as it fits a camel, I’ll be happy.”

… And Laugh About It

The patron at a bar bet the barkeep 25 dollars that he can bite his own eye. The barkeep reluctantly decides to take the obviously drunk patron just to teach him a lesson.

So, the drunk takes out his false teeth and bites his left eye. After paying up, the barkeep agrees to double or nothing that he can bite his other eye with the added provision that he keeps his teeth in. So he pulls his glass eyeball out, puts it between his lips and bites it.

The now furious barkeep pays off the second bet of 50 dollars when the drunk offers him a chance to recoup his losses with still another proposition, that he can piss from one end of the bar to the glass at the other end. The twice-bitten bartender surveys the 30 foot long bar and just KNOWS it can’t be done. Sure enough, the drunk pulls out his drainhose and merely splatters urine across the counter. The relieved barkeep laughs and collects his money, cleans off the counter and asks why he made such a stupid bet when he was clearly ahead.

“Oh, I bet the guys in the back 500 dollars that I could pee all over your counter and you’d laugh about it.”

20 Ways To Tell If You’re A Democrat

1) You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

2) You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand – in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.

3) You have to believe that the same overpaid public school idiot who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

4) You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

5) You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.

6) You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

7) You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.

8) You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9) You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature but pasty-faced, fey activists who’ve never been outside Seattle do.

10) You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11) You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

12) You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

13) You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can’t deliver the programming quality PBS does.

14) You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.

15) You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

16) You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinman are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Alva Edison.

17) You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.

18) You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.

19) You have to believe that conservatives are racists but black people couldn’t make it without your help.

20) You have to believe that the only reason democratic socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.

An Anteater Walks Into a Bar

An anteater walks into a bar and says that he’d like a drink.

“Okay,” says the bartender. “How about a beer?”

“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o,” replies the anteater.

“Then how about a gin and tonic?”

“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.”

“A martini?”

“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.”

Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, “Hey, listen buddy, if you don’t mind me asking – why the long no’s?”