Toilet Hygiene

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in DC. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular “At William and Mary, I learned to be clean and sanitary.”

The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, “At Virginia, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious.”

The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, “At Virginia Tech, I learned not to piss on my hands.”

“Plot” For Sale

A sweet girl of Seventeen is very eager to offer a small lovely “TRIANGULAR PLOT” for sale which is centrally located on the slope of the lower area but not observed or explored by anybody till date. For the last 17 years the plot being tenderly cared and looked after by the girl herself. The plot is fertile and can bear best result even in the first planting.

For the last four years the plot was covered with shiny black curly grass which is very tender to touch. No machine has yet been used for trimming the grass which has now covered the whole area.

Another thing which adds beauty of the plot is the fantastic pond hidden under it. Offer are immediately invited from young men with firm and energetic capital which can be put in easily and this must give outflowing white liquid capital.

The young men should be strong enough to plough in hard with his own tool. Although initially it will be hard and a bit difficult to cut open the gate seal. Once the capital is put in the entrance will not repent and will be delighted to have ventured into the site.

Since the neighbours are waiting for an opportunity to the pounce this marvellous plot make haste to be first to enter into the site. Yet another fact to be disclosed regarding the site is that the “DOUBLE HILLS” on the top of the said plot is already captured by the local students. Anyhow, they are not permitted to go down.

Offer for lease or retail will not be accepted.

NB: ENTRANCE FROM THE BACK GATE STRICTLY PROHIBITED.

Microsoft Bathroom Humor

The following were found scribbled on the wall in the mens toilets at Microsoft.

Bill Gates downloads here

Where do you want to go today?
In the crapper!

Microsoft Word Speelchecker RULES!

Do not flush mouse pads down the toilet!

To flush, press handle. You do not need to hold Control, ALT and Delete at the same time.

The Basic Program
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try real hard
40: If nothing, then goto 30
50: If something then goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit

Stop writing these mindless jokes and childish insults on the walls!
Yeah, that’s what the internet is for!

Why cant B*ll G*tes get dates?
Because his penis is Micro & Soft

-Rajeey has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! – Carl
-Carl still plays with his wang! – Rajeev
-Yeah, well you both program in DOS – Fred
-Byte me! – Rajeev and Carl

Your mother’s so fat, it took me 25 minutes to download a picture of her from the web!

Miracle Bunny

A friend of mine was out hunting a few years back and, as chance would have it, on the way home he ran over a bunny rabbit. Since it was right in front of a large farmhouse, he thought he’d stop and make sure it wasn’t a pet. The farmer was sitting on the porch, and had seen the whole incident.

My friend asked if the rabbit had been a pet. The farmer said that it wasn’t, but he also said that he had something that might help the poor thing out. He went into his house and came out a moment or two later with a little jar. He went out to the rabbit and poured a little on its head.

Sure enough, the bunny opened it eyes and got up. It hopped a little ways down the road and turned around and waved at the farmer and my friend. Then it hopped on down the road a little further, and turned and waved again. This hop and wave action was repeated until the bunny hopped out of sight over a hill.

Of course, my friend was more than a little amazed! What’s in that bottle?, he asked the farmer.

Just a little hair restorer with permanent wave!

New Elements

Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarises all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain’t.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.

Complimentary Peanuts

A business traveller has stopped at the hotel lounge at the end of the day to have a drink before heading to his room. After ordering his drink, he just sits back and takes a sip when he hears a voice say, “My, that’s a nice haircut.” The man looks around and doesn’t notice anyone nearby, shrugs his shoulders, and turns back to his drink.

A few minutes later the man hears the voice again say, “That’s really a nice shirt.” Again the man looks around for the owner of the voice and doesn’t see anyone. The man shakes his head thinking he’s just tired, and calls the bartender over to pay for his drink & return to his room.

The bartender walks over and notices that the man is looking around him with a confused look on his face and asks the man what was wrong. “I guess I’m more tired than I thought, because I’m hearing voices.” The bartender just smiles at the man, “You are hearing voices. It’s coming from the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”

Religious Children

A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a 4-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool in the back yard. They splashed a lot of water on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decide to take off the wet clothes. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, “Golly, I didn’t know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants.”

Dumb Blonde

There is this blonde in a middle of a corn field sitting in a medium size row boat, just rowing away. Corn husks flying everywhere.

Another blonde driving down the back road sees this blonde in the row boat. So pissed off, the blonde pulls over to the side of the road.

The blonde from the car yells out, “Hey you … Hey you the Blonde in the boat!”

The blonde in the row boat looks up and sees the blonde yelling from the road trying to listen to what she is saying.

The blonde from the car, yelling at the blonde in the corn field notices that she has her attention yells back at her, “You know it’s dumb ass blondes like you that gives us blondes a bad name … and you know, if I could swim, I would come out there and beat your ass!”

S&M

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says, “It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?”

Sally replies, “It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M.”

Sue is aghast. “Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.”

“Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He snores while I masturbate.”

Children’s Sermon

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for “the childrens sermon,” and all the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?”

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”