Top 10/Lists – Page 5

Florida

Laughing With Florida (Hey, It Aint My Fault!)

**FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.

**FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

**FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

**FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

**FLORIDA: We’ve been Gored by the bull of politics and we’re Bushed.

**FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.

**FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!

**FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

**FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

**FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

**FLORIDA: We don’t just cheat in football.

**FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!

**Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

**Palm Beach County: We put the “duh” in Florida.

**Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.

Proof of Stupidity

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”. (Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside”. (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how …?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestions: Defrost.” (But it’s *just* a suggestion)

5. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box) “Do not turn upside down”. (Oops, too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating”. (As night follows the day …)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body”. (But wouldn’t this save even more time?)

8. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness”. (One would hope)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only”. (As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use”. (I gotta admit, I’m curious).

12. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts”. (NEWS FLASH,Hello!)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: Fly Delta).

14. On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”. (I don’t blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

15. On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”. (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?)

Top 16 Signs Your Mate is Cheating

16. Carpools with Divine Brown.
15. Motel 6 names him “Customer of the Year.”
14. Mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night from some guy named “President Bill.”
13. You intercept a love note signed by all of the Oakland Raiders.
12. That naked guy standing in the corner pretending to be a hat rack isn’t fooling anyone.
11. Starts buying those lame excuses you give when you get home late from your mistress’s house.
10. Glenn Close speeds by your house every twenty minutes.
9. Models new lingerie, saying, “If you were my lover, would this turn you on?”
8. The smell of Brut is all over her, and you’re strictly an Old Spice man.
7. Asks you how you would feel about appearing on “Jenny Jones”.
6. Every night: comes home late, carves another notch in the bedpost and giggles himself to sleep.
5. The cat has that “I know something that you don’t know” look.
4. Amy Fisher shoots you in the head.
3. Closet full of Gideon Bibles.
2. Michael Irvin called her as a character witness.
1. Raoul the pool-boy is always hanging around, and you have NO pool!

Top 10 Signs Your Lawyer Isn’t Working Out

10. Opening argument in which he called the prosecutor a “Doo-Doo Head” could hurt your case.
9. Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.
8. Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
7. Keeps trying to call a witness named “Johnny, the Trouser Troll.”
6. The only question she can come up with during cross examination is, “Isn’t it true that you’re a lying bastard?”
5. Constantly raising objections to the “vibes” he’s getting from the jury.
4. Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, “Yahtzee!”
3. Instead of saying “Your honour, I object,” he now just rolls his eyes and says, “Whatever.”
2. Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the “discovery” processes.
1. Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.

You know you’re from Northern New York When…

1) You only own 3 spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.

2) You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

3) The mosquitos have landing lights.

4) You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

5) True Value Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

6) You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.

7) You live in a house that has no front steps yet the door is one yard above the ground.

8) You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

9) Driving is better in the winter becase the potholes get filled up with snow.

10) You think lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons.

11) You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

12) The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 of the page, but requires six pages for sports.

13) At least twice a year the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

14) The most effective mosquito repellant is a shotgun.

How To Handle Stress…

1) Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

2) Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.

3) When someone says, “Have a nice day!” tell them you have other plans.

4) Pop some popcorn without the lid on.

5) During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the phlegm back down your throat.

6) Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

7) Make a list of things you’ve already done.

8) Dance in front of your pets.

9) Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.

10) Thumb through the National Geographic and draw underwear on all the natives.

11) Go shopping, buy everything, sweat in them, return them the next day.

12) Drive to work in reverse.

13) Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.

14) Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.

Boys & Girls

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.

3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

How to be Offensive at Weddings

1. Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

2. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

3. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

4. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

5. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

6. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab. clinic.

7. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

8. Ask the bride’s mother to give you a hand job.

9. Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

10. Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.

11. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

12. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

13. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”

14. Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

15. Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for stupping the bride.

16. Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse.”

17. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

18. If there’s a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell hin that he has to wear one yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.

19. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”

Dogs and Men

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
10. Both like dominance games
11. Both are suspicious of the postman
12. Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what “no” means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They’re moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats!