Tag: Top 10/Lists


Questionable Questions

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since some Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?

10 Reasons Santa must be a Computer System Administrator

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”

5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

What NOT To Say To Your Girlfriend’s Parents

1) My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2) Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3) Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4) Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check!

5) We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6) Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.

7) Sara is so pretty I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8) Nice place you got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?

9) There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara’s will be okay too.

10) Can I pull my car in your garage? I’m not sure how long that cop car will stay lost …

She Was So Blonde …

… She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

… She thought a quarterback was a refund.

… She tripped over the cordless phone.

… She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

… She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK

… She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

… At the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”, she put Sagittarius.

… If she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.

… When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

… Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

Lubes for Masturbation

Cotton or acrylic socks ——————- GOOD
Wool socks ——————————– BAD

Vegetable or food grade mineral oils —— GOOD
Petroleum distillates ——————— BAD

His sister’s silk underwear ————— GOOD
His mom’s leather push-up bra ————- BAD

Butter ———————————— GOOD
Shortening ———–(are you nuts?)—— BAD

Glycerine ——————————— GOOD
Nitro-Glycerine ————————— BAD

Baby Oil ———————————- GOOD
Baby diapers —————————— BAD

Peanut Oil ——————————- GOOD
Peanut Butter —————————- BAD

Lamb’s Wool —————————— GOOD
Steel Wool ——————————- BAD

Aloe Vera ——————————– GOOD
Alum ————————————- VERY GOOD

Castor oil ——————————- GOOD
Castrol GTX —————————— GOOD
Castro ———————————– VERY BAD

Silk ————————————- GOOD
Slik 50 ———————————- BAD

Hand ————————————- GOOD
Sand ————————————- BAD

Lubriderm ——————————– GOOD
Pachyderm ——————————– BAD

Coppertone ——————————- GOOD
Copper Sulfate ————————— BAD

Powdered Graphite ———————– GOOD
Graphite Fibers ————————– BAD

Teflon ———————————– GOOD
Epoxy ———————————— BAD

Olive Oil ——————————– GOOD
Olive Oyl ——————————– VERY BAD

Definitions

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have …You have character lines.

Signs You Aren’t a Kid Anymore

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age … and isn’t breaking any laws.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word “equity” means.

You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

Jewish Definitions

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat mitzvah.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby’s diaper.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face but not knowing exactly when.

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes …

GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar Mitzvah

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MEINSTEIN slang. “My son, the genius.”

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock ‘n roll band from Brooklyn.

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

Bumper Snickers

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

Thank you for pot smoking.

If at first you don’t succeed … blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying, “No Hard Feelings”.

If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.

The earth is full – Go home

I have the body of a God … Buddha

So many pedestrians – So little time

Cleverly disguised as a Responsible Adult

Honk if anything falls off

He who hesitates is not only lost … but miles from the next exit

Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?

I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on disk somewhere

Body by Nautilus; Brain by Mattel

Boldly going nowhere

Don’t be sexist – Broads hate that

Heart attacks … God’s revenge for eating His animal friends

Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

Saw it … Wanted it … Had a fit … Got it!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

Newspaper Ads

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL-
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
_________________________
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD, UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG
_________________________
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB – $850/ offer
_________________________
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
_________________________
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE … ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS
_________________________
FREE PUPPIES … PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG
_________________________
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR $15
_________________________
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
_________________________
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED … ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE
_________________________
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK – $2000
_________________________
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT – $15
_________________________
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE
89 cents
_________________________
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED, SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE
_________________________
FULL SIZED MATTRESS
30 YR WARRANTY
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL
_________________________
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME
_________________________
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50
_________________________
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED *************
CALL CHUBBIE ************
_________________________
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
“WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”
_________________________
SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA – FREE CHOPSTICKS
_________________________
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG = LOOKS LIKE A RAT. BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD.
_________________________
HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER “IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT”
_________________________
GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
_________________________
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
_________________________
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN
89 cents lb.
_________________________
NICE PARACHUTE –
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE – SLIGHTLY STAINED
_________________________
FREE FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
_________________________
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100
_________________________
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.975 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR
_________________________
NOTICE:
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD
_________________________
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175
_________________________
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT’S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER
_________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER AND DRYER $300
_________________________

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY
_________________________
ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
_________________________
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
_________________________
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
_________________________
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY
SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
_________________________
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE AND DONUTS
_________________________
KELLOGG’S POT TARTS – $1.99 box
_________________________
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN – $2.09 lb
_________________________
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.