Category: Animals


Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes!
The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed,
I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one??

Intimate Mother/Daugher Discussion

A mother and her daughter are walking along the beach one evening. The sun was setting and the cool breeze coming in off the ocean was absolutely wonderful.

The girl says, “Mom, my breasts have really begun growing. Do you think I should start wearing a larger bra?”

The Mom thinks for a moment and then says, “Sure, honey, we’ll go to the store tomorrow and buy my baby a beautiful peach colored lace bra that fits properly.”

A few minutes later the girl says, “Mom, I’m starting to grow a lot of hair down “there”. Do you think it would be OK to start trimming it a bit?”

Mom reflects on this question and responds, “Why sure, honey, we’ll buy some fine trimming scissors while at the store purchasing your new pretty lace bra.”

A little later the girl asks another question, “Tommy asked me to kiss him yesterday. I really like him. Do you think that would be ladylike for me to allow him just one tiny kiss?”

The Mother is getting nervous now, but finally replies, Darling, I believe that would perfectly OK, but you mustn’t allow him to do anything else. OK, my dear?”

“Sure Mom, I understand and I truly respect your judgement.” replies the daughter.

A few more minutes went by and the girl tenderly grabs her mother’s hand and looks her in the eyes, saying, “Mom, am I old enough to start douching?”

The Mother is now speechless, having given her daughter all this very open and candid advice. She thought for several minutes and spoke her final words of wisdom, “Sweetie, that’s too difficult a question for me to answer. Why don’t you ask one of those seagulls that’s been following you for hours!”

A Penquin

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer’s day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it’s leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car.

The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he’s a penguin and its Arizona in the summer, after all.

He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth – a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, “Did you find out what is wrong with my car?” The mechanic replies, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“No no,” says the penguin. “It’s just ice cream.”

Don’t Raise Hogs

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that, too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Morgan

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

Big Condom

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so one old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette, and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, “Hey, that’s a good idea. What is it that you put over your cigarette?”

The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.”

“A condom? Where do you get those?”

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said, “Yes,” but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”

The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel.”

Yoda Sex Lines

12. “Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!”
11. “Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.”
10. “Feel the force!”
9. “Foreplay, cuddling – a Jedi craves not these things.”
8. “Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!”
7. “Do me or do me not – there is no try.”
6. “Early must I rise. Leave now you must!”
5. “You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz’s hand up my ass.”
4. “Happens to every guy sometimes this does.”
3. “When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?”
2. “Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!”
1. “Who’s your Jedi master? WHO’S your Jedi Master?”

The Legless Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

The parrot answers the guy’s question, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.” “Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”

“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

“Oh, yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this : how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it cause of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy … and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.”

The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer.” The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the mailman …”

“What?” says the guy. “What?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” asks the guy.

“Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.

“My God!!” the guy says. “Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down …” The parrot pauses for a long time …

“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.

“I don’t know,” says the parrot, “My dick got hard and I fell off my perch.”

100 Camels

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists, an Arab salesman approached them loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.”

“Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked. “Is he your husband?” “Yes.” she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered … “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “She’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Pet Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I will open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.