Category: Animals


Cinderella at Age 75

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother”.

The Fairy Godmother replied, “It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again”.

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, “You have one more wish, what shall you have?” Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man”.

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life.” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having my bollocks chopped off now, don’t you?”

How to make a Horse Laugh and Cry

Back in wild west days, men gave great attention to their horses’ states of mind. Some had horses that they believed could laugh or cry, depending on what was said to them. A saloon operator was one of these. He was able to make his horse “Jason” laugh or cry on occasion. People around town heard about this phenomenon but didn’t believe the bartender could actually bring it off.

So the bartender, tiring of their criticism, staged a contest in which he offered a generous reward to anyone who could make his horse laugh and cry: $1,000 to anyone who can make Jason laugh; $5,000 to anyone who can make Jason cry. He posted the notice in his bar and waited.

One day a stranger rode into town, bought himself a drink, and read the poster with interest. The stranger was known as a “horse whisperer” and he apparently had powers to communicate verbally with horses. So the stranger entered the contest, paying his five dollar fee and retiring to the stable out back to try to make Jason laugh. Pretty soon, several townspeople who were witnessing this attempt shouted with excitement. The stranger was making Jason laugh his head off. The bartender saw this happen, and declared the stranger the winner.

Then the stranger asked the people to step aside while he took Jason around the corner, in his effort to make Jason cry. In a moment, Jason was heard to make horrible sobbing sounds, and the townspeople who witnessed this were filled with admiration for the stranger, as was the bartender, who heard Jason crying and ran to witness the act. The stranger won both prizes, and was proud of himself.

So the bartender treated the stranger to a nice drink in his saloon, but had to ask the obvious question. “How did you make Jason laugh?” The stranger replied, “I whispered in his ear the following: ‘My dong is bigger than yours.'” Jason burst into spontaneous laughter.

“But how did you make Jason cry?” asked the bartender.

“It was easy,” said the stranger. “I took him around the corner out back there and showed him my dong.”

Blonde Rider

A blonde decides to try horse back riding, even though she’s had no lessons nor prior riding experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into action, galloping along at a steady and rhythmic pace.

The blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror she grabs the horse’s mane but cannot seem to get a firm grasp. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse to get to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground over and over.

She is mere moments from passing out when the Wal-mart manager sees her and shuts off the horse.

An Anteater Walks Into a Bar

An anteater walks into a bar and says that he’d like a drink.

“Okay,” says the bartender. “How about a beer?”

“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o,” replies the anteater.

“Then how about a gin and tonic?”

“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.”

“A martini?”

“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.”

Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, “Hey, listen buddy, if you don’t mind me asking – why the long no’s?”

Cats

** “There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” – Unknown

** “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” – Anonymous

** “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” – Jeff Valdez

** “In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” – English proverb

** “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” – Ellen Perry Berkeley

** “One cat just leads to another.” – Ernest Hemmingway

** “Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.” – Mary Bly

** “Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” – Joseph Wood Krutch

** “People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.” – Faith Resnick

** “There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” – Anonymous

** “I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” – Hippolyte Taine

** “No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.” – Unknown

** “There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” – Albert Schweitzer

** “The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” – Ernest Menaul

** “Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”

** “Time spent with cats is never wasted.” – Colette

** “Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” – Missy Dizick

** “Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.” – Dave Platt

** “Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.” – Bruce Graham

** “You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” – Colonial American proverb

** “Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” -Joseph Wood Krutch

** “I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic”

** “My husband said it was him or the cat … I miss him sometimes.”

Camel Marathon Winner

During an interview, the camel marathon champion was asked how he got an extra two to three days out of his camels in between watering holes.

“Oh, you wait until they almost fill up with water and then walk around back and slap two bricks around his testicles. Doing that makes them drink more water deeply and quickly on top of what they usually drink.”

“But—but doesn’t that HURT?”

“Only if you get your fingers caught in between the bricks.”

A Parrot Named Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He flashed his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching YOU.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next score, and then clicked the light back on, and began searching again for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching YOU.”

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, and then squawked, “I’m trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who are you?”

“Moses,” replied the parrot.

“Moses,” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot MOSES?”

The parrot replied, “Probably the same kind of stupid people that would name a Rotweiller JESUS.”

What’s The Nail For?

A farmer is giving his blonde wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

“That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate.”

Satisfied that his blonde wife understood the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the ‘Inseminator’ arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

“This is the cow right here,” she tells him.

“What’s the nail for?” the guy asks.

Replies the wife, “I guess its to hang up your pants.”

Sweaty Cowboy

A grizzled-looking cowboy bursts into a saloon, goes over to the bar, and pounds loudly with his fist.

The bartender rushes over and the cowboy snarls, “I just got off the range! I’m hot, I’m dusty, and I’m so thirsty that I could lick the sweat off a bull’s balls!”

Over in the corner, a slightly built cowboy dressed in pink chimes sweetly, “Mooooo, moooooo …”