Category: Body / Anatomy / Health


The Bet

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”

The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” And the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag …” And the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, “Gambling.”

“Gambling?” he says. “What sort of gambling?”

“Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?”

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you … there’s no way you can win a bet like that!”

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “I know what I’m doing … and I can afford to lose, though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?”

“Ok, have it your way” said the president, and they shook hands on it.

“See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning” said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.

When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

“Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” said the president.

“He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”

“No, perfectly understandable” said the president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.

“Not so fast!” said the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

“Ok, you win, here’s your $100,000” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

“What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president.

“Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”

A Night To Remember!

An elderly couple was celebrating there 50th wedding anniversary and decided they would return to the resort they had honeymooned at so long ago. Upon getting there they had a wonderful dinner and dancing and drinking shortly followed.

The gentlemen said to his lady, “Honey let’s go upstairs and make this a night to remember.”

She readily agreed and they went into the room.

“Honey I want to make sweet lovin to ya, so get naked and lay on the bed and I am going to go freshen up in the bathroom and when I come out wow to the moon.”

He went into the bathroom and freshened up. When he came out he looked at the bed and said, “Ready or not hear I come!!!!”

His lovely bride of fifty years was not there like he said so he started to look around the sparsley lit room for her and low and behold he found her in the corner and he walked over to her. In the corner she was totally naked and standing in her head with her legs apart like a naked human “Y”.

“Honey what in god’s name are you doing?” he said.

She replied, “Well honey, I figured at your age if you can’t get it up you might as well drop it in!!!”

Slick Dick

Three guys walked into a bar, one was Chinese, one was black, and one was white. There was a really hot lady in the bar and the men were amazed. The lady said, “If one of you men can survive a night of sex with me, I’ll marry you and have your children.” The men say, “OK.”

That night the black guy has sex with her and he dies, due to some weird STD that kills instantly. The next night the white man dies due to the same STD. The next night the chinese man lives.

The lady asks, “How did you live?” The Chinese man replies, ” Me chinese, me be slick, me put condom on my dick.”

The Battle of the Bobbitt Hillbillies

Come and listen to my story about a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his Dong with the swipe of a knife.
PENIS, That is.
Clean Cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side And Lorena’s in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her puple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend
CURVE, that is
Tossed the Nub.
In the Shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “over there!”
To John Wayne’s henry that was waiving in the air.
FOUND, that is
By a Fence.
Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long
So a Dick Doc said, “Hey I can fix that dong.”
A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need
And the whole world waited ’til they heard that Johnny peed
WHIZZED, That is
Even Seam,
Straight Stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
with a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape
VIDEO, that is
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Ya’ll sleep on Your Stomachs Now, Ya hear

Signs PMS is Coming

She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

She puts on one of those pads with “wings,” then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

She’s developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

She retains more water than Lake Superior.

She denies she’s in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and “chambers one.”

She buys you a new T-shirt — with a bulls-eye on the front.

You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, “All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?”

She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they’re out of Diet Coke.

Suppositories

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams. “What’s the matter?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

Bigger Breasts

A lady wanted to have bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said that he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs and see how that works first. He stands up to demonstrate, holding his arms straight out to the sides, rotates them counterclockwise, and says, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.” The doctor has her try it, telling her to do it as often as she can and to come back in another week.

One week later, she went back to the doctor’s office. She told him that it didn’t work. The doctor asked her how often she did the exercise. She said that she did it four to five times a day. The doctor told her to do it more, 30 times a day at least. He told her to come back again in one more week.

She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.

One day, as she waited to check out at the Supermarket, she started her exercise. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.” The man in front of her turns around and asks her if she sees Dr. Johnson.

“Yes, how did you know?” she queries.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion and says … “Hickory dickory dock …”