Category: Blonde


She Was So Blonde …

… She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

… She thought a quarterback was a refund.

… She tripped over the cordless phone.

… She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

… She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK

… She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

… At the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”, she put Sagittarius.

… If she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.

… When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

… Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

Blonde with Flowers

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again … for no reason.”

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: “What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?”

The brunette says, “Oh sure … but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

The blonde says, … “Don’t you have a vase?”

Blonde in the Mirror

Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie … *poof* … you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. Soooooo …

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.”

*Poof* the mirror swallows her up.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the sexiest woman alive”. *Poof* the mirror swallows her.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, “I think…” *Poof*

Swim Competition

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly four hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms …”

Dead Blonde

A blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones and carrying a walkman. When the barber was ready for her, he asked her to please remove the headphones.

The blonde, however, replied, “No, I’d just die without them.”

With this, the barber proceeded to cut her hair around her headphones. A few weeks later, the blonde returned with the same headphones and the same walkman and even the same clothes, but her hair looked a little funny. Again, when the barber asked her to remove the headphones, she replied, “but I’d just die without them.”

The barber decided he’d let her have her own way and cut her hair again around the headphones. Yet again, a couple of weeks later, the blonde walked in with the same headphones, the same walkman and the same clothes and asked for a haircut. This time, the barber insisted that she remove her headphones. The blonde complied and removed her headphones. After about a minute, she keeled over and died. This made the barber curious about the headphones, so he put them on and pressed play.

He heard … “Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.”

Dumb Blonde

There is this blonde in a middle of a corn field sitting in a medium size row boat, just rowing away. Corn husks flying everywhere.

Another blonde driving down the back road sees this blonde in the row boat. So pissed off, the blonde pulls over to the side of the road.

The blonde from the car yells out, “Hey you … Hey you the Blonde in the boat!”

The blonde in the row boat looks up and sees the blonde yelling from the road trying to listen to what she is saying.

The blonde from the car, yelling at the blonde in the corn field notices that she has her attention yells back at her, “You know it’s dumb ass blondes like you that gives us blondes a bad name … and you know, if I could swim, I would come out there and beat your ass!”

You Have Mail

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbour who was watching her said “you must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box.”

The blonde answered, “No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail.”

Trick Questions

Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 5 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!

1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?

2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken?

3. I went to bed at eight o’clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o’clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?

4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?

5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?

6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?

7. A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear?

8. You take 2 apples from my 3 apples. How many do you have?

9. How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?

10. If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from London and stopped at Peterborough to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleethorpe to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Portsmouth 20 hours later, what’s the name of the driver?

ANSWERS :
1. All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2. 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o’clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o’clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
3. 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4. 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5. 9 live sheep.
6. The match.
7. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8. 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9. None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10. YOU are the driver.

Grading Scale (out of 10)
10 Genius
9 Mensa Member
8 Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Grade school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress
0 Blonde

Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is touring working men’s clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He is going through his “stupid blonde” jokes when a big blonde woman stands on her chair and shouts, “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating jokes, you arsehole! What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from reaching my full potential, because you perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large, all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize when the blonde pipes up again. “You stay out of this,” she says. “I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”