Category: Body / Anatomy / Health


Pregnant

A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share her good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

“Sir,” she said, “I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone, or I’ll bust.”

She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added, “But confidentially, I changed cocks.”

The newly pregnant woman responded, “Confidentially … me, too.”

Smokin’ Ladies

Two old ladies are standing outside smoking together when it begins to rain. One of the women pulls a condom out of her purse, snips off the tip, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second old lady is very impressed and asks where to get one.

“It’s a condom,” the first old lady replies. “You can buy a box at any drugstore.”

So the next day, the old woman goes to the drugstore and tells the clerk she wants to buy a box of condoms. The clerk eyes her strangely, but thought what the heck, every age group is allowed a little fun. He then proceeds to ask her what size she needs.

“Oh, I don’t know …” the old woman says. “As long as it fits a camel, I’ll be happy.”

How to make a Horse Laugh and Cry

Back in wild west days, men gave great attention to their horses’ states of mind. Some had horses that they believed could laugh or cry, depending on what was said to them. A saloon operator was one of these. He was able to make his horse “Jason” laugh or cry on occasion. People around town heard about this phenomenon but didn’t believe the bartender could actually bring it off.

So the bartender, tiring of their criticism, staged a contest in which he offered a generous reward to anyone who could make his horse laugh and cry: $1,000 to anyone who can make Jason laugh; $5,000 to anyone who can make Jason cry. He posted the notice in his bar and waited.

One day a stranger rode into town, bought himself a drink, and read the poster with interest. The stranger was known as a “horse whisperer” and he apparently had powers to communicate verbally with horses. So the stranger entered the contest, paying his five dollar fee and retiring to the stable out back to try to make Jason laugh. Pretty soon, several townspeople who were witnessing this attempt shouted with excitement. The stranger was making Jason laugh his head off. The bartender saw this happen, and declared the stranger the winner.

Then the stranger asked the people to step aside while he took Jason around the corner, in his effort to make Jason cry. In a moment, Jason was heard to make horrible sobbing sounds, and the townspeople who witnessed this were filled with admiration for the stranger, as was the bartender, who heard Jason crying and ran to witness the act. The stranger won both prizes, and was proud of himself.

So the bartender treated the stranger to a nice drink in his saloon, but had to ask the obvious question. “How did you make Jason laugh?” The stranger replied, “I whispered in his ear the following: ‘My dong is bigger than yours.'” Jason burst into spontaneous laughter.

“But how did you make Jason cry?” asked the bartender.

“It was easy,” said the stranger. “I took him around the corner out back there and showed him my dong.”

National Condom Week

Here’s a *salute* to the *new* condoms on the market!

Lumberjack Condoms – For the woody that won’t be cut down.

Sprout Condoms – Add a little moisture, and watch it grow!

Helium Condoms – For those flaccid moments when you just need a lift …

KFC Condoms – When you just need to *wing* it.

ASPCA condoms – For that lil’ pup in you!

Howdy Doody Condoms – When you know “what time it is!”

Lassie Condoms – When you know she’s a bitch, but you’re gonna do her anyway!

George W. Bush Condoms – When “Junior” wants to take over!

Yawn Condoms – When you’re bored stiff.

Memory Condoms – When it’s on the tip of your tongue.

Chatterbox Condoms – When you need to talk it up.

Cheerleader Condoms – When you want it *Rah*!

Scorpion Condoms – When you wanna sting ‘er!

Jock Condoms – When it’s a team effort!

Prone Condoms – When you flat-out want it.

Pitching Wedge Condom – For those special moments in the rough!

Electrical Condom – Cures the shorts in your pants!

Plumbing Condom – When you know you’re gonna clean those pipes!

Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

10. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”

9. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

8. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

7. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

6. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

4. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

2. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

1. No one ever steals your chair.

Viagra Theme Songs

While Pfizer has had a lot of great press regarding the launch of Viagra, the male impotency drug, its marketing department has been working to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the media coverage has died down.

While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an important medication needed a theme song to help its long term identity.

Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting.

I am a Rock
– Paul Simon

A Hard Days Night
– The Beatles

Do That To Me One More Time
– Captain and Tenille

Everlasting Love
– The Bee Gees

No Ordinary Love
– Sade

We’ve Only Just Begun
– Paul Williams

Girls Just Want To Have Fun
– Cindy Lauper

When I’m 64
– The Beatles

I’m Your Gun
– Alice Cooper

In Too Deep
– Genesis

Big Bad John
-Jimmy Dean

Here He Comes Again
– Dolly Parton

The Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A.
– Donna Fargo

Behind Closed Doors
– Charlie Rich

In The Mood
– Glen Miller

Nursery Rhymes

Twinkle, twinkle little star how I wonder what you are
Shine upon a parking lot
As I eat my girlfriends twat.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater
Saw a chick but couldn’t meet her
Saw her brother one fine day
Sucked his cock and now he’s GAY.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
So he ignored her flabby tits
An licked her asshole clean.

Eenie Meanie Miney Mo
Suck my dick and swallow slow.

Mary Mary quite contrary
Shave that pussy its so damn hairy.

Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two I blew my goo
And dumped the bitch off at the next block.

Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
It was quite scary
all wrinkled and hairy.

Sweaty Cowboy

A grizzled-looking cowboy bursts into a saloon, goes over to the bar, and pounds loudly with his fist.

The bartender rushes over and the cowboy snarls, “I just got off the range! I’m hot, I’m dusty, and I’m so thirsty that I could lick the sweat off a bull’s balls!”

Over in the corner, a slightly built cowboy dressed in pink chimes sweetly, “Mooooo, moooooo …”

Yukon Hooker

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the “YUKON”, he said to the bartender.

“We got her” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.

“The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to Pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon.”

The women inside the room looked at the miner and said, “you found her.” Then she stripped naked, bent over, and grabbed her ankles.

“How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.”

I don’t replied the hooker, “but I thought you might want to open those beers first.”