Category: Education


Children’s Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than … punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the … bug is close.

It’s always darkest before … daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of … termites.

You can lead a horse to water but … how?

Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty.

No news is … impossible.

A miss is as good as a … Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog … math.

If you lie down with dogs, you … will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust … me.

The pen is mightier than … the pigs.

An idle mind is … the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there’s … pollution.

Happy is the bride who … gets all the presents.

A penny saved is … not much.

Two is company, three’s … The Musketeers.

None are so blind as … Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed … get new batteries.

You get out of something what you …see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind … get out of the way.

There is no fool like … Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and … you have to blow your nose.

If a Dog were your Teacher

IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER You would learn stuff like …

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it’s in your best interest — practice obedience.

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout … run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

English Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room sks, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says:

“Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.”

Trick Questions

Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 5 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!

1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?

2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken?

3. I went to bed at eight o’clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o’clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?

4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?

5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?

6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?

7. A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear?

8. You take 2 apples from my 3 apples. How many do you have?

9. How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?

10. If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from London and stopped at Peterborough to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleethorpe to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Portsmouth 20 hours later, what’s the name of the driver?

ANSWERS :
1. All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2. 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o’clock, then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o’clock, they will be taken in 1 hour.
3. 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4. 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5. 9 live sheep.
6. The match.
7. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8. 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9. None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10. YOU are the driver.

Grading Scale (out of 10)
10 Genius
9 Mensa Member
8 Engineer
7 Student
6 High school pupil
5 Grade school pupil
4 Teacher
3 College lecturer
2 University lecturer
1 Member of Congress
0 Blonde

University Graduate

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a University graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom and I’ll show you how.”

I don’t want to go to School!

The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. “Nobody in school likes me,” he complained. “The teachers don’t like me, the kids don’t like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don’t want to go to school.”

“But you have to go to school,” countered his mother. “You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the principal.”

Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, “How much for a season pass?”

You Know You’ve Been Out Of College Too Long When …

Your potted plants stay alive.

Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You carry an umbrella.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese, Diet Pepsi and Ho-ho’s.

“I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You don’t get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.

It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.